A wee while ago, I spied a link to this article on Facebook. I’m QUITE interested in the notion of being grown up, so I speedily clicked over and had a read. Hm. Interesting. For me it raised more questions than it answered really. That is my kind of article. I like having questions floating about like that. It makes me wonder about things. That day, it made me wonder about ‘growing up’ and whether we ever do come of age. I am still wondering, in fact. Maybe you can help me work this out.
I remember my Mum saying to me years ago that she felt pretty much the same as she did when she was 21 or 22, despite parts of her being a titch older than that. My Nan tearfully said the same thing, on a different occasion, remarking how young she felt in her head, but how weary she felt, at times, in her body. I could see then that ageing was not all that it seemed to be.
‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ we curiously ask small children. We are so very sure that being grown up is a destination we are all headed to. We are planning the trip from an early age, quite sure that as the years pass us by, we’ll get to Grown Up. But what does it feel like when you get there?! Do you feel different? Do you know when you’ve arrived? Is it like being on very long train trip? Does the station master call ‘Adulthood!!’ when you reach the end of the line?! (I think I missed that train…)
I don’t doubt that we gain more wisdom as we experience more, but I wonder if you can be wise and not grown up? Hm. For me, the things that define an interesting person are varied. Smartness and wisdom are more important than maturity, to me. Kindness and innovation more valued than the supposed dignity and stoicism of adulthood. But maybe I’ve got the ‘grown up’ modus operandi all wrong. Getting your driver’s license, being old enough to sip wine at the local pub, paying tax, reaching the age of consent. These are all things that SEEM to mark those first steps into adulthood. And yet. I know plenty of wine drinking, car driving, tax paying scamps who are less than grown up. Go figure.
Some of my very favourite people exhibit delightful child-like qualities. They are fresh, sweet, naughty and fun in ways that don’t seem to fit the ‘Adult’ mould, and yet, they are Grown Up.
Speaking for myself, I am exhibiting the usual adulthood indicators. I have children, lots of bills to pay. I drive a car, sometimes with a valid license. I only occasionally get asked for ID at the bottle shop or local bar. And yet. I don’t really feel that grown up! But I am Grown Up. (I think.)
Maybe this is the very thing my Nan was tearfully trying to explain all those years ago. She’d had a child, buried a husband, raised three grandchildren, too. If she didn’t feel grown up, what hope is there for me?! And does it matter anyway?
So what do you think? Do we ever really Grow Up? Or perhaps we just LOOK grown up, and are really just wiser versions of our childhood selves? What defines a Grown Up?! And did you miss the train?
xx Pip
This piece was first published on JustB.
I love this post too. It is something I think about a lot, and particularly more so now that many of my friends are buying houses, having babies and getting married. I have had this conversation with a few friends and many of them feel the same – I guess there really is no train or boat. At 27, I can't possibly imagine being responsible for anyone or anything other than myself. I still have washing strewn across my bedroom floor – how could I ever tell a child to clean their room? I am definitely 15 years old in my head, but now I am "old" enough to get away with the things I always wanted to do when I was young. I love that I get paid to work – so much pocket money! I had a serious career for about four years, and it ended up boring me, so I quit and tried a few different things and will be back studying next year to try something else. I love that I can drink and it doesn't have to be discreet and no one can tell me off for it. I still fall hard and fast for the wrong type of guys, develop longing crushes and practice my signature with his art name. Mostly, I love the freedom – I can jet off to a different country for whatever reason whenever I like and no one has ever tried to stop me. I know one day that I would like to be married with children and a home of my own – but at what age does that want become something that I will actively pursue? I have no idea, but for now I am so happy just doing my own thing.
Aw thanks!!! It's so great to hear everyone's view on this! I am SO LUCKY you are reading 🙂 xxx
Funny thing that! being the youngest of nine children I felt the same at 5 as i do now. I know that sounds weird but I was the oldest 5 year old ever and feel like I have been here before. I was glad to start looking older(getting asked for id at 30 wasn't that great as I hated being treated like a baby)
I love being my age and hope never to whine about getting older. It certainly beats the alternative.
Great post Pip, you are an inspiration!
My husband and I turn 40 next year. Surely we must be grown up then! But we don't feel it. Although I'm definitely a wiser version of my childhood self. The most grown up my husband has felt was when we went to our first parent-teacher meeting a few years ago.
Love this post. Reading the comments made my eyes fill with tears…I guess I can relate to a lot of them.
I too have been thinking about the idea of being Grown up. Maybe more so now that I have kids and am being asked questions on the topic. I keep expecting to feel grown up every time a new chapter begins, kids, husband, business, school drop offs, mortgage etc, but nope.
I think the more responsibilities we have the more grown up we think we're supposed to feel. I don't feel grown up at all though and I quite like it that way {grown ups are boring!}
Lovely post. I love the idea of gathering wisdom instead of achieving adulthood. It celebrates a much spectrum of experience, and appreciates that there's always growth and change and reevaluation at every stage.
38, 3 small daughters, a house, a husband, responsible for a whole boarding house of school kids, dogs, bills, jobs…..i'm guessing i sound like a grown up but feel like Benjamin Button, growing younger year by year as i care less about what others think about me and become more and more my own person with plans and dreams and ideas for the future.
When i was 18 i thought i had it all sussed out, but i guess not – still at the platform waiting for the train!
What a wonderful post! I linked to the article as well.
I think if you took an honest poll, not one of the people I really like are "grown ups". I am 45 and I have two grown kids, bills, an old car, and even a dog I responsibly care for. BUT I still go to work everyday wondering what I will do when I grow up, and if I will like it more than what I do now. I also love all the cute stuff on your blog, sew cute stuff (for me!), am filled with joy when I re-read the Tintin books, and was the first in line to see The Muppet Movie. Then promptly teared up for "Rainbow Connection" and for several hours afterwards.
This is not what grown up should look like, right?
But, then, if I meet 'grown up' people, they seem a bit stodgy and unhappy and afraid of making fools of themselves. Maybe that is all for show and they go home and secretly dance around to disco when nobody is looking?
All I know is that I can't figure it out, but it is nice to know we all have the same problem…
I had a similar conversation with my father a number of years ago and he shared with me that at 67yrs old he still felt about 21yrs old – it really stuck with me and gave me a sense of permission to not worry about feeling 'grown up'.
My brother who is 8yrs older than me use to tell me that when you're young you think you know, but you don't know. I think he was right but in a shifting kind of way. There's never been a magical moment when I suddenly 'knew' but there have been many moments when I've appreciate how much more, or how differently I 'know' now than I did in times gone by. I expect those moments to keep rolling out through the rest of my life.
I think one of the quintessential elements of growing up for me was letting go of the concept that I'd ever reach 'being grown up'.
What a nice post. I've been thinking about "growing up" so much lately.
I am 23, I graduated and I had my first job experiences, I live together with my boyfriend (renting an apartment, paying our own bills and stuff), in my two-year-carreer I already got fired and I am again looking for a job. On the other hand, I do not have kids or pets, no property, not a lot of money, no job. Am I grown up? No. Am I more mature and wise than I was two years ago? Definitely.
I know people my age, who bought a house and are expecting their first child. They are much more grown up than me. I also know people my age, who are still studying and busy finding their way in life. They are less grown up than me.
If there was a train to Grown-Up-Ness, I am not sure I'd want to take it. The train to Figuring-Out-Where-You-Want-To-Be-In-Life-And-How-To-Get-There… I'd jump on it. 🙂 In fact, I think I might already be on it. I'm sure it will be a wonderful journey.
Ooo interesting. I don't think anyone is ever going to think 'Now I feel like a grown up.' Perhaps some people are born middle-aged, and so they don't notice the difference when they get there 😀 I still ask my Dad, jokingly, what he wants to be when he's grown up too. But…having recently worked in a job spending some time with 18- 22 year olds, and doing lots of chatting, there were some, with their drama and naval gazing, that made me realise I'm definitely not a teenager any more…and thank goodness for that.
I missed the train and the boat. Sure, I occasionally do the grown up thing, such as looking after my daughters, responsible spending, and [sigh] chores. But apart from that I am a giant kid. I still get excited about visiting the toy store – and yes, the Barbie aisle is often my first stop. I still have wonderful dreams of things I want to do. I imagine people who choose to behave grown up think they have to give up on those dreams.
I remember how it was in my final year in primary school. Most of the girls in my class had chosen to stop running around, playing imaginary games. They would sit quietly in circles at lunch time, and would receive perfume and towels for their birthdays. Whereas I was running around pretending to be a horse, playing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and playing with the same toys I'd had from the previous six years. The other girls made growing up seem, well… boring. I suppose from their perspective I was quite immature.
Perhaps this is quite a telling sign, but despite being married and having two childen under my wing, I don't refer to myself as a woman. I still think of myself as a girl.
Most times I think about this subject I would say YES, I missed the train and I like to give it the forks as it goes by. But then just sometimes I feel like I'm definitely on the train and it's going mighty fast…
Maybe there isn't even a train at all?
Have some Milo straight from the tin! Aw thanks for such a GREAT comment!!! xxx
I wonder the same thing constantly. We've just renovated our house and put in my dream kitchen – this was the first time I felt a bit more 'grown up' as it was the kind of kitchen you only dream about. I guess growing up is just achieving milestones. I'm also about to have my first baby and I assume I'll feel the same way. BUT that's not to say I act 'old' – acting old is what gets you in trouble! I act very young at heart and I always will!!
Oooh, I love this post. I too, think I missed that train. I do think, that I have matured, and have more attained more wisdom over the years. Although I hope to gain much much more. Nobody ever told me that you don't feel any different inside your head, it only occurred to me when I hit about 25, that I still feel 16, yet, I look at 16 year olds, and they look soooo young. It's all rather confusing really.
This is something I've been thinking about a lot too. In fact i was thinking about it when i sat down to my (not so grown up) breakfast of coffee cigarettes, opened my google reader, and found that this was the first post on my list.
Weird huh?
I am always having these grown up/not grown up moments. Such as paying 9 dollars for a sourdough light rye loaf with a perfect crust. That's pretty grown up right? Then i might take that artisan baked loaf home and make… tiger toast. Not so grown up.
Bubble bath and a glass of wine. Grown up.
Suds handlebar moustache. Not so grown up.
What i've figured out though is this "destination" of adulthood is one of two things, a sham or boring.
I suspect that happy 'adults' are still doing childish things. And unhappy 'adults' are the ones that call things childish.
So I'm going to continue eating no name party pies when I'm sad. Getting on my knees to have a closer look at ants. And squealing quietly in the button section when i see a certain craft idol at spotlight. Hopefully i'll be a happier adult for it.
Side note: Thankyou for the wonderful blog. You have been providing me with daily inspiration for while now and i appreciate it muchly.
I should probably go eat something now.
What a great post Pip. I don't know if I will ever be grown up either or even what that actually means.
I do know that in my mid 30's I suddenly realized I didn't give a damn anymore I was going to be the kind of woman I wanted to be,even if I bucked against the mainstream world,live life and have a good time.It was like I didn't need all of those hang ups from when I was young and worried what others thought of me.
But I don't think I have made it to "grown up" yet and I just turned 41.