This letter struck a chord with me, and I thought I would share it here. Sometimes people send me letters asking for advice, especially when they know that I might have a similar family life or interests. So here is Kathy’s letter. What would you do? Have you had these kinds of issues with one of your kids? Or does this sound like YOU when you were at school? Or like someone you know? What would you tell Kathy? (Please note that I did ask Kathy if I could share this… and her name is not really Kathy, but let’s call her Kathy, yes?)
Dear Pip,
My son is in upper primary school. He’s attended the same school for many years, and has always been pretty happy and settled. He’s quite a sensitive child, admittedly, but also very smart and sweet. This year has been particularly difficult for him. There’s a lot of rough play in the playground, and he’s coming home with footy bruises and tales of clashes between groups of boys on a daily basis. Physically he is quite small, so some of the other kids are twice his size, hardly a fair advantage in a tackle, as far as I can tell. There’s also tears most days (from my son) about the large volume of home work, his perceived abilities and school in general. We’ve had lots of discussion, we’ve met with his class teacher, we’ve provided positive time and space for homework. We have lots of nice family time together. But still there are tears. He feels unheard at school and un-valued. He’s not thriving, and is in fact feeling pretty sad about school. What would you do? What would your readers do?
from Kathy
Hiya,
Thought I'd reply as a once bullied kid… I was put into a different stream at school when I was 14 and was in a class where I received racist comments and horrible remarks because I liked being academic. I tried to tough it out but one of my friends told a guidance counselor who talked to me and my parents. Another talk with the principal led to them giving me a chance in a different class (as my streaming marks were borderline they placed me up a class) where I thrived and at the end of the year received a prize for 3rd top marks overall in my class of 30. That was over 15 years ago and I am still grateful that I was given a chance to try a different environment and not made to try harder to 'fit in'… A child is not at fault for having a different personality to their peers! You would not recommend an adult who is bullied at their workplace to stick it out or try to fit in better. You would tell them to report it to their seniors and potentially try a different job if it was making them unhappy. Best of luck to you and your son and reassure him that he is wonderful as he is.
Dear Kathy,
It's terrible that anyone has to be bullied at school!
There is nothing wrong with being shy or sensitive or even small for your age, but it can certainly feel that way when people pick on you.
As someone who made fun of, I can tell you it does get better. There isn't really any one suggestion I can give other than to not be afraid to make a change in the right direction.
It's important to remember that no one deserves to be treated unkindly, and to not get comfortable with poor treatment.
::hugs::
<3 g
Above all else, the most important thing is your child's happiness. I have 2 teenagers myself and completely empathise with you. I have been in your situation and it's not easy, hence your reaching out. Make sure your son knows you are on his side, there's nothing more powerful than Mum as an ally! If change is what is required don't let him think he's 'giving up'. Make him think he AND YOU are finding a solution to a problem. His homework is overwhelming him because evrything else is. Break all the issues up into small manageable pieces and deal with each one individually.
It's all going to be OK, really! You will do the right thing for him because you love him and care for him. Take care and stay positive. I hope this helps.
This strikes such a chord, we literally sat with our 8 year olds teachers yesterday afternoon to discuss almost the exact issue you write of. Our little one is tiny, he mostly holds his own now but I worry about high school. Our school is experiencing the same kind of rough play, they blamed Harry Potter and war games I think they may not be too wrong there.
I feel for you and hope you get some strategies in place with the school. I wish you luck, every child deserves to feel safe, happy and supported at school.
I would consider taking him out of school – homeschooling if possible. I had a similar experience with my son and in high school he was bullied. As a sensitive, very bright kid his need for perfectionism made the whole school and homework thing very stressful. What finally got to me as a mum was watching this confident kid fade into the background and the joy of childhood diminish. We tried 2 primary schools, 2 high schools but nothing ever clicked. He left last year at the end of year 10 and got accepted into an animation college and is just thriving. I wish I could have taken him out of school sooner and would have if I was a stay at home mum. The most important thing I can do for my son is give him confidence, teach him to love himself and have the courage to follow his own path and we've finally got that right.
Good luck!
New school! I left a miserable school situation in Yr 6 and went to a new school were I was embraced and welcomed. That time in the new school forms some of my best memories. In general though its never worth putting up with an unhappy situation hoping things will get better… they never do. But as soon as you make a change happen, you feel in control. Good luck and big hugs to the little dude.
Check my school out. No crazy homework, lovely caring teachers,whole school forums to discuss issues freely and an atmosphere of creativity and tolerance. http://www.preshil.vic.edu.au/
Hi Pip,
This was such a wonderful thing to do, and believe me having two boys both with there own set of issues I know how hard it can be. I have just recently changed schools for my 9 year old and if Kathy would like to contact me and have a chat, I'd be more than happy for you to pass on my details.
From Lara
And this one came via email too ::
My solution was home schooling my daughter when these issues became daily
tears. Where I live the home school program is run in concert with the
school system. The student attends school one day a week to turn in work,
take tests, and get assignments. The most difficult part of this program is
finding suitable electives and physical education to fulfill the state's
requirements for graduation. However, if you have a church or YMCA program
where you live you can find other parents in the same programs and spend
these hours with these children/families. My daughter graduated 2 years
early and attended college at age 16. She is a happier person and I think
better educated, certainly more focused and creative than the child who
cried daily because the "the teachers repeat the same topics too many
times". I can't tell you how much I heard that–that statement began in
grade 1. If you would like to troubleshoot this or get more information on
these programs I consider myself educated in this matter, I have had many
foster children who were behind in school and these programs helped them
graduate; most on time!! I am a sold parent…good luck I will send good
thoughts your way and I hope this can help your son too. Cathy M.
This comment came via email this afternoon ::
Dear Kathy, My heart goes out to your lovely family. As a stay-at-home mum
and a used-to-be primary school teacher, I read your letter to Pip with
tears in my eyes. With my teacher hat on, I would like to say that all this
homework kids have to do in primary school is complete bollocks. Most if
not all teachers don't want it. They want their students to rest, play
about and maybe do a bit of reading in after school hours. Basically to be
kids! Plus homework just means extra correction for teachers to have to do
and that's not fun either. Tell the teacher that your son won't be doing
homework other than reading and experiencing life. I would talk to the
principal about the bullying and rough play. And the vice principal. Ask
about other options for kids who don't want to play footy. What about lunch
time chess/art/ sciency/cooking things? As a mum, your boy sounds much like
my lad though he's five. Aren't you proud? I'm proud. I love that you have
terrific family times. You sound like the best parents. Go with your heart.
This age is a bit tricky and in betweeny but a strong, loving family makes
it so much better. Talk and listen and just be together. All the best to
you. From Anna xxx
Oh Kathy.
My son was the same, except he is a big boy but soft as a kitten. My son was invisible at school – he was well-behaved and in the middle academically and required little to no attention. I realised the only thing he was learning is that if he did just enough to get by and was nice to everyone, everyone will leave him alone. He barely progressed in his school work and nothing was expected of him. The kids are school were not like him and he was working very hard to fit in with them, I spent the last 4 years feeling discomfort in the pit of my stomach about his school life and trying to bury it.
This year he changed schools. He is blooming in an environment and school culture which suits him better. He participates in everything and his progress is remarkable. He has made friends who he laughs with all the time.
And all that worry that sat on my shoulders every day for the last 4 years has gone.
His new school isn't perfect, but it is so much more like him.
Like Tia, I don't buy it that kid's have to tough out.
I know what its like to work in an environment that was so unlike me I felt like an alien. I left. I don't see why children should have to tough it out, if they don't really have to.
You know your kid. Trust yourself.
Have you listened to Ken Robinson's TED talk called Why education kills creatitivty'? The title is a little inflammatroy but I highly recommmend it. It changed my whole approach to my sons who are not uber-confident, sporty alpha males and for the better.
Good on you for asking for support and advice.
You sound like an excellent Mum.
Much love to you from another mother of a sensitive son.
G
Oh, it can be so hard.
Children change mentally and emotionally as well as developmentally so something that might not have bothered your boy last year might be a big deal this year. Sometimes children can't articulate what is actually wrong as it's deep down. Saying "the boys are playing too roughly" might turn out to be something else.
Good luck with whatever happens and I hope your boy has a smile on his face soon.
This is so poignent for me at the moment as I'm struggling to make the best decision for my 8 year old daughter who is interesting, creative, loving and helpful during the school holidays and down right surly, sometimes hysterical during term time. Home schooling seems like an ideal (but complicated for us) option… Any way, my heart goes out to Kathy and her son, I hope he can grow with happiness and confidence.
How about twa kwondo lessons (sp!)?
The 8-12 year old boys I know lerrv it cause it's fun but it trains lots of other attributes and energies along the way, not least tenacity and resilience.
Hi Pip, and Kathy,
Ugh primary school is tough I think. Neither of mine thrived there but particularly my boy. We pulled him and put him in a traditional catholic private boys school (so opposite to my 'hippy steiner' ways as the kids call me!)but what a change. It suited him so – 17 and getting great marks in yr 12 – has a great group of friends and a lovely girl. I guess what i'm trying to say is don't be scared of looking at all options and a move is the best thing. We were told to 'tough it out – it'll make him strong blah blah' It was the best decision we made and I regret not doing it sooner. oh, and hug him lots!
Good Luck, Jox
Hi
Our boys are a bit younger but the oldest sounds a lot like your little boy, We have him at a montessori school, which doesnt fit with every family, but it has worked for us. They seen a bit more in tune with what stage the individual child is at. It is more expencive than state and even some private schools but we have tightened the budget up and it seens to be paying off with him being happy at school. In saying all this not all montessori schools are the same and if you are interested go visit a few schools and the individual classroom and see if its a good fit. There is a huge variation in how the phylosophy is implimented.
Hi there Kathy, as a mum of two boys, I really felt for you as I read your letter to Pip. I don't have any answers – and don't want to preach to you, because, despite empathising completely, one can never truly walk in another person's shoes and feel their experiences.
Having said that, though, I hope these website links give you some tools/a starting point to help you and your family work through this time: http://www.parentwellbeing.com/about
http://www.optimistickids.com.au/
I have met both of these lovely people, Simon Andrews and Jodie Benveniste, and their advice has been a great support as I support my eldest navigate his way through his experiences at childcare and kindy.
That aside, my personal approach has been to support my four year old (and, when he's old enough, my 10 month old) to build resilience. Life throws hurdles and problems to solve our way throughout our lives, so teaching my children to work through problems has become a guiding parenting principle for me.
However, if your little one is feeling sad all the time, that is a problem. I've heard stories (through the abovementioned wonderful peeps) that some kids have had to leave their schools to find something better suited to their needs – and they have thrived as a result.
I find, too, that "gut instinct" is an excellent guide!
I've left jobs because the people have sucked and the culture has been wrong for me – I think the same can be said for schools. As adults, we can make decisions like that and take charge, but kids rely on us to make those big changes.
Only you will know the right solution for your little boy.
It's a tough gig this parenting stuff. Your little boy – sensitive, like my little one – sounds like a lovely little fellow.
I sincerely hope my offerings, here, are a support to you as you search for a solution to your current dilemma – and well done to you for putting the call out for ideas and solutions to support you in making a decision that works for you and your family!
Take heart that you're not alone :O)
Oh, how sad for the little guy and stressful for the parents. I had a similar experience in primary school, (although I'm a girl, so a bit different), but I was the sensitive, happy one who became a stressed, sad little poppet for various reasons in Grade 5. We tried a lot of things to fix it, but I cried every night and generally was losing my confidence. A counsellor at the Education Department (which they had in the 70's, don't know if they still do), suggested I try another school and I did end up moving to another local primary school about a month after it all started. It was a very positive move as it was a fresh start and I could be myself again (eventually – it took a while). So if you have exhausted all other avenues and that is an option for Kathy then I would suggest it is something worth looking into to.
without hesitation, i'd pull him and grow him into a beautiful confident man – learning in his own way and through his own interests – at home.
"toughing it out" is far too overrated and can be, quite frankly, very damaging to a person for the rest of their lives.
good luck!
Oh my, how sad. Your poor darling boy.
Having raised 3 kids to independent adult status…
The more I reflect on my kids lives the clearer it is to me that all they want and need is love, acknowledgement and acceptance. The learning they cannot do without these things.
My son was not your "typical" boy either. He did not like or play sport, but did end up on the netball team with his close girlfriends, where he had fun.
He had great difficulty with male friendships because he was just not in to what they were. He LOVED to talk, read, play board games, draw, do puzzles, watch films, sing and entertain.
He had great female friendships.
I met with his teachers many times, but they could not really do anything.
Find somewhere where he can be himself.
Take him out of that school if it is at all possible to do so.
Kids learn through experiencing the world.
They don't need a traditional school to do that.
If I had my time again, I would do it differently. I would not stress so much about them succeeding at school academically, I would just make sure that they had plenty of opportunity to find out about the world and where they fit in it, to laugh and play and discover and read and watch and listen.
Good luck
It shall pass. X