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Step Aside Gwyneth, Here’s The POOP Christmas Guide

December 15, 2018
POOP gift guide

Who says Gwyneth should have all the rollicking fun with her GOOP Christmas Gift Guide full of bonkers and fancy things?

I think she’d WANT me to do my own and thus the POOP Christmas Gift Guide is at your service. Right now. Here. Today … You’re so welcome, hun!

Here’s all the special things you didn’t know you and your nearest/dearest needed/would be alarmed by this festive season.


Startled bulldog

Salty Pup Who Has No Time For Your Nonsense – £5,490.68

Life size. “Back of dog open for use as umbrella or stick stand.” Not vegan.

Highclere Castle Jewel box

Big Ass Super Fancy Downton Abbey Jewellery Box – £65,000

“A suitable vessel for keeping all your precious jewels safe.” Indeedy-do.

Dolly Parton

A Polaroid of A Bemused or Mildly Annoyed Dolly Parton – £20,186.31

Off the shoulder/frosted lip vibes. Taken by Andy Warhol.

Snuff box

Just Fork It Up Again Pessimistic Snuff Box – £1,720

“Incorporating black script displaying ‘Just it up again’ segmented with an illustration of a pitchfork; it can be determined this agricultural tool to symbolises the word ‘dig’.” I beg to differ. #ForkItUp

panther bracelet

Disappointed Panther Bracelet – £141,304.17

A total steal at 141 billionty pounds. Quite cross-looking. Very mood. “Only worn once or twice.”


monkey chair

Hard To Fathom Monkey On Chair* – £3,800

* Shabby chic.

Netherlandish baby painting

Netherlandish 16th Century Baby Throwing A Gang Sign – £22,608.67

Relatably depicts mother wondering where she went wrong/wishing baby had not pulled the curtains down again.

Comb and scissors

Comb and Scissors Once Owned by Neil Armstrong’s (Creepy) Barber – £25,000

“This is a pair of scissors and a comb used by Neil Amstrong’s barber, Marx Sizemore, to cut the Moonwalker’s hair. They are accompanied by 25 strands of Armstrong’s hair.”

What’s the heck, MARX?


Laurel and Hardy

Perturbing Life-sized Laurel and Hardy – £28,500

Perfect to put in the living room window to deter burglars if you are going away OR as a stealthy stand in for yourself if you just can’t even with Uncle Jock’s sozzled behaviour at Christmas lunch.

I hope you enjoyed this trip through some of the POOP things you hadn’t realised you needed to know about. Much love to you and yours.

xx Pip


  • Reply Jennifer January 4, 2019 at 1:03 PM

    POOP wins over GOOP every time! <3

  • Reply ursula December 23, 2018 at 1:28 AM

    so so funny ..

  • Reply Nadine December 19, 2018 at 10:03 AM

    You are the totes bomb Pip. Just perfect ?? xxx Nadine

  • Reply Em December 18, 2018 at 4:45 PM

    Just dropping in to say thanks again for all your brilliant posts this year. They really have kept me sane. When I’m dealing with negativity, I pop by for a dose of your positivity (even while you’re dealing with heavy duty stuff of your own #respect). Lots of love to you and yours. xxx

  • Reply KWadsworth December 18, 2018 at 6:07 AM

    This makes me very very happy.

  • Reply Chloe December 16, 2018 at 7:40 PM

    These are brilliant!

  • Reply Rachel December 15, 2018 at 8:48 PM

    My fave bit is the *shabby chic disclaimer on the monkey chair ??

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