Hello Pip-Life

:: The One About The Internet…

June 10, 2012
A wee while ago, as I was flipping through my Google Reader, I came across this piece by Jonathan Fields > Parallel Screen Play : Are You Cheating In Plain View.  In the piece, Jonathan talks about how toddlers ‘parallel play’ (They DO! Don’t they? Yep!) and how this natural phase of babyhood leads to playing together and all the goodness THAT has to offer. Nice.
But THEN…  he goes on to say that teenagers are also parallel playing now, sitting side by side with their screens out, playing whichever scary-blippy-deathy game they are into this week. Even adults are connecting in this slightly (or very) arms length way, sometimes foregoing real contact and shared experiences for SHARE THIS or TWEET THAT or headphones-in interactions.
Are we regressing?
Jonathan quotes The Boston Globe :

The Boston Globe reported on a 2010 study by the Annenberg Center for the Digital Future, that revealed:   “Over the last decade the amount of time family members in Internet-connected households spend in shared interaction dropped from an average of 26 hours a week to less than 18 hours. Meanwhile, complaints of being ignored at times by family members using the Internet soared.”

Let’s talk about this in local terms.  The Australian Bureau of Statistics  tells us that there were an estimated 6.2 million households with a broadband internet connection in 2010-11. Broadband is accessed by nearly three-quarters (73%) of all households in Australia, and 92% of all households with internet access. So MOST of us are on the internet, with fairly decent connections.

We’re connecting wirelessly more and more too, using our phones, tablets, gaming consoles and TVs to make sure that our screens are always feeding us tasty morsels of digital delight.  Our kids have grown up this way, and although we’ve rolled up a bit late to Club Net (possibly wearing an adventurous grin and a Hawaiian shirt?) we are ALL in, or so the stats tell us.
Club Net has a whole TON of great stuff awaiting us, with the click of mouse or the tap of a screen.  You don’t even need to wear a lei. We can pat a virtual kitten, walk the streets of Calcutta, help with music therapy for the ill and elderly, experience the food crisis in Niger, braid our hair, learn a language, breakdance… it’s all there. Whatever we want. Click.
Now let’s click back to us for a minute.  Here we are, our little families totally fluent in accessing the things which entertain us.  Or maybe it’s our friendship group who are styling with the stylus, tapping on the tablet, pinching screens or shaking to undo?  Whichever is true for you, the point is that we’re busying our brains and fingers with custom content.  We’re excitedly finding the things that WE like the most. We’re making sure we’re consuming things that are just perfect for us. And it’s probably the case that we wouldn’t even THINK about choosing something that the person sitting next to us might want to consume, too. That’s not what this user-chooses, customised digital experience is all about.  This is all about the individual.
We’re so quick to consume digital media and know it all that  ‘Yes. I’ve already seen that!’  is often the retort when someone wants to share with us. Not satisfied with hanging out on our own with our friends online, we bypass their good intention (to show us something interesting) with our own breezy been-there attitude.
Hm. So this makes me wonder about a few things. Let me ask you this…
How do we find ways to connect that are actually sincere, meaningful, squeeze-the-other-person rewarding if we are constantly gearing our digital experience to suit ourselves? How do we avoid parallel play?
I have some ideas about this. Maybe we need to make the time to actively choose content we can share with our family or friends. Sometimes the slacktivist reflex of hitting the SHARE button makes us feel like we’re being good sharers, but nothing beats sitting down next to someone you really like or love, bumping shoulders and giggling or gasping at something really great as you pick Cheezel crumbs off your bosom.

Also : We need to keep using the internet to foster real-life connections, rather than relying on the tippity-tap of the keyboard to express our friendships for us.  We need to get out in the world and lay our hands (in a non-creepy/non-NCIS way) on our favourite people.
Plus : We have to remember that the internet is a great way to ENHANCE our lives, but it shouldn’t BE our lives. It’s kinda like if you’ve got a really rad car. It’s shiny and polished and useful and comfy and awesome.  And then you turbo charge it. And it’s suddenly EVEN RADDER. Well. You are the car. Already rad, useful, awesome, ready to fill with people you love. AND the turbo is like the internet, see? It’s there to make something that’s already rad even RADDER.  A turbo system is no use without a good vehicle, see? It’s the same with The Internet/You.
We also need to be sure that we’re not just zipping around in parallel lanes, in our turbo charged cars, passing each other wittily or cleverly or LOL-y.  We need to pull over, roll down the window, get outta the car, look under the hood. Better still, we could take the trip with our favourite people, side by side, lambswool seat-cover cosy, fluffy dice swinging, radio blaring, windows down.
x Pip

What do you think? Is parallel play a negative thing in adults or teenagers? Should we be trying harder to connect more meaningfully in this uber connected age? Do you need the turbo? Is your ride rad?

First published on JustB
  • Robert Dulaney June 17, 2012 at 1:10 PM

    omigosh pip! you hit the nail on the head exactly. i'm a self-taught knitter. i knitted alone for over 6 years, until i found a group online that meets at a bookstore near my house. i was so happy to show up and meet everyone that first night, and a year later i would definitely consider some of them to be close friends. they've helped me improve not only my craft but my social life as well. i honestly wouldn't know what to do without them, and it's all thanks to magic of the net. i think people need to learn how to use the net as a tool instead of as a substitute for real life experience. go out and do something (you can bring your smart phoine with you)!

  • Sally Cooper June 14, 2012 at 12:31 PM

    Great post Pip!
    We are guilty in our house and my boys are only 5 & 7! We do play 'real' games as well and read and go to the park etc though. But the scales are not quite in balance – they are certainly tipped toward the parallel stuff. For sure.

    On the other hand, my friends and I were commenting how we in our 30's and 40's are behaving just like teens! My 2 best friends (see I even 'sound' like a teenager!!), and I text eachother constantly, when not together. It's actually really stengthened our friendships!! Not so good for the husbands though. perhaps. But mostly they work too much anyway. so I think the technology stuff fills a gap for busy-sometimes-lonely-Mum's like us!!
    The fact we are all so transient these days encourages more internet connecting too – I don't know how much my kids would feel like they had any relies if it weren't for Skype& Facebook!! (All of our family live in the UK).

    Oops sorry – didn't mean to write you an essay!!!!

    Thanks Pip! 🙂

  • pip lincolne June 12, 2012 at 10:50 PM

    Oh hello Mary! So pleased to meet you here! Thanks so much for visiting me!! xx

  • Madeline June 12, 2012 at 8:26 PM

    I think all human technology is an equal blessing and curse and as with most things it's about creating a balance. I love how I can "explore" things on the internet that I would never encounter in reality and "connect" with people that I may never physically meet. However, for me, nothing beats a good natter face to face with friends, sharing a meal with family or walking through woods or along a beach holding my partner's hand.

  • Mary C. Nasser June 12, 2012 at 11:40 AM

    I really like the idea of using the internet to foster real-life connections!
    Very insightful post!
    Wishing you all the best,
    Mary (from BYW 2.0)

  • EmilyKate June 12, 2012 at 11:15 AM

    I think the avoiding-awkwardness thing is true too… some years ago I read an article that said today's teenagers are less likely to smoke, and they put it down to now they have phones to fiddle with when you're doing that teenage aimless-hanging out but don't have anything to say or know what to do with your hands.
    So I guess that's a positive!

  • renae June 11, 2012 at 9:47 AM

    Agree completely with the 'empty feeling'. After I've gone through my morning pinterest/blog/fb/twitter routine I don't feel enriched of inspired in any way. Often a bit flat because other people are out there creating nice things while I'm just staring at them… not staring even – fleetingly glancing!

  • Rainbow Vintage Home June 10, 2012 at 11:42 PM

    True and timely! I'm definitely guilty of the 'I'll just check…my blog/facebook/Pinterest'… routine. I'm really trying now to focus more on my kids and my real life interacting/creating. I find that too much time spent online leaves me with an empty feeling, and time spent making something tangible or really focusing on others feels nourishing. I'm going to turn my computer off right now and go and do some sewing, and then cook a meal for my family. With no phones at the table (thank goodness I haven't got teenagers yet)! Thanks Pip, it's a very thought provoking subject – and I'll be checking out 'letters from a luddite', sounds really interesting. Rachel 🙂

  • CJG June 10, 2012 at 10:30 PM

    This is a personal pet peeve of mine, so I have to weigh in 🙂 I work in a public school, and I see personal interactions all of the time. Even when we spend time in the computer lab, kids are sharing what they have on their screens. But, put a smart phone (on a hand-held video game) in their hands, and they tune out the rest of the world. It also drives me crazy when I'm with a group of friends and we're having a conversation, and someone gets a text which they promptly answer, often in a back-and-forth conversation for several minutes, ignoring the real people they're with.

    Now, I admit, that when I'm home, I spend a lot of time on the computer. But, I live by myself, so I'm not ignoring the person next to me. My cell phone is laughably ancient (the model is about 10 years old and my students do laugh when I take it out), and I almost never use it (I don't even know how to reply to a text… once I notice I have one). I have a DS that I bought as a treat to myself, but the battery died in February 2011, and I haven't re-charged it yet.

    When my family gets together, we actually sit and have conversations, and it's very enjoyable. My mom is the only one who answers who phone during meals, but she runs a business, and people call at the most random times (it's only really irritating when she shushes the rest of us so she can have her conversation).

    I guess I still view the internet and my cell phone as tools and/or resources and not entertainment. Perhaps it's my age- I grew up right when Atari was becoming big, but we couldn't afford one so I never got sucked in to video games- but I have a really hard time sitting in a place surrounded by people and sticking my nose into the phone or the computer. Have I ever done it? Yes, but it doesn't last more than a few minutes, because I'm invariably distracted by something going on around me. Life has so many funny, interesting and amazing things that it presents on a daily basis, and if you're tuned out to the world around you, you'll miss them. I often find myself chuckling at some random little scene, and if someone says, "What are you laughing at?" my usual response is, "Oh, you had to see it…"

    On another blog that I used to read, a gal posted a similar question, questioning whether she spent too much time tuned in to her smart phone. When I posted my reply, she replied to my comment with something like "Thanks for your comment, but it's the way of the world and we all just have to accept it."

    I choose not to accept it. So there.

    And now, I'm going to go out into the world with a group of students and go and enjoy a bus ride into the city to attend a baseball game!

  • Carolyn June 10, 2012 at 9:34 PM

    Oh, our digital Internet world – at times I love it for what it can provide me with and at times I curse it for its isolating effects. I think we parallel play regardless of whether we have the internet or not. I am sitting here tapping this response on my iPad whilst my husband watches tv, but is that any different from if I was writing a response on a piece of paper to send as a letter? Similarly if we are sitting side by side checking our Facebook and links on our respective tablets is that any different to looking through the mail we may have received tht day? I don't think so. Of course the problem is that there is SO MUCH that is SO INTERESTING (but is it really so IMPORTANT ?) that our parallel play becomes more pervasive in our relationships and we actually connect with each other less. So perhaps we need to place limits on the time we access our screens and become more conscious of what we are accessing so that the watching of videos of funny cats does not replace a cuddle with our partner, kiddies or a phone conversation with a friend. And the screens being tapped and watched whilst sitting at restaurant tables – have seen that too and it's just sad….

  • pip lincolne June 10, 2012 at 8:47 PM

    Concurrent Monologues! Oh my. Exactly. Our own stories! Exactly! And going a step further, personalising our online experiences/viewing to suit what we think we need to see (as opposed to the very RICH tapestry of things we might otherwise see) = perhaps not ideal.

    I love what you wrote, Anonymous. Thank you! x

  • pip lincolne June 10, 2012 at 8:45 PM

    You. Are. So. RIGHT. Why is it so hard?! I think we are all hiding from the unpredictable things that can happen in real life, by going through our (mildly) OCD internet/phone routine. I think?! I am so excited that you commented on my blog, btw. *faints* x

  • pip lincolne June 10, 2012 at 8:43 PM

    I am embarrassed that I play with my 'penis' in public! Will try to do that less often, with partner's words in mind! x

  • pip lincolne June 10, 2012 at 8:42 PM

    AW thanks lady! I am pretty bad in the TOO-CONNECTED department. I think when I'm stressed it seems like a safe place to go to. MUCH better to go to a real life form of comfort, methinks!! Thanks for your comment, spunk rat! x

  • edenland June 10, 2012 at 8:23 PM

    I just wikied parallel play. Mind? Blown. This internet culture that we're in … is so seeped and steeped and overflowing. Our teens are the ones on the front lines. My teens are 20 and 15 and I worry for them, for the young ones coming up the ranks. And I'm part of it all!

    I predict a shifting change, a changing global internet consciousness. (Or we're screwed.)

    We need to go outside more. Unplug everything and horse around on the couch with the TVs off and our listening ears on.

    Yes we do, Pip.

    xxxx

  • Anonymous June 10, 2012 at 8:22 PM

    Wow. Wow. Wow. This is exactly what I've been talking to my husband about lately! Good, good, well timed piece! I work with young children, and often smile at their way of communicating in what i describe as concurrent monologues that rarely progress to real dialogue. I've found it so sad to see a growing lack of dialogue in some of the grown up relationships around me, though. We seem to be getting very good at telling our own stories all alone, but letting the richness of real, wonderful, complicated, heartfelt 'together' stories slip quietly away beneath the noise of smart phone beeps, updated statuses, constant email checking and that overwhelming feeling of being too busy. Oh, to live more simply!! Going to think about ways i can do more messy, awkward, real life dialogue with the people in my world this week 🙂 Thanks!

  • Anonymous June 10, 2012 at 7:49 PM

    My partner says the iPhone = a penis, so do not have it out in public and play with it.

  • Reannon Hope June 10, 2012 at 6:46 PM

    Your a smart gal Pip Lincoln!!!

    I have to force myself to put down my phone sometimes because I'm focusing more on that the peeps around me. I have enforced days of no screen time for my kids so they remember that life is more a game.

    One thing I love about the net is the cyber friendships Ive made ( like you!). I'd love to think should I meet any of my online pals in real life that we'd chat as easily as we do via,the net but who really knows?

    P.s Love the new lay out of the blog- super cute!

  • pip lincolne June 10, 2012 at 5:38 PM

    I see a lot of that. I think people cover their awkwardness with PHONE play. Or they just default to it, because it's easy? Hm. I am not sure which it is! x

  • pip lincolne June 10, 2012 at 5:37 PM

    I am really very definitely going to check out that book. Thank you for the very relevant and helpful tip! x

  • pip lincolne June 10, 2012 at 5:36 PM

    I am a bit of a hermit lately! But mostly because I am busy with work (on the internet), rather than because friends are lukewarm. I am not into lukewarm. I am into HOT or NOT! x

  • pip lincolne June 10, 2012 at 5:35 PM

    I think that's pretty amazing. I need to strike more of a balance, I am sure! x

  • Hattie Hen June 10, 2012 at 4:50 PM

    A friend of mine was recently at a family restaurant and she said a family of 5 sat next to them, talked for around 4 mins to each other and then spent the rest of the time staring at their phones or ipods and not engaging with each other. That freaks me out.

  • Avital June 10, 2012 at 4:36 PM

    I type this, as I sit beside my husband on the couch. He's engrossed in his laptop, and I in mine. (In our defense, it's nearly midnight and it's the first time the computers have been cracked open all day, we were in the garden and the sunshine with our boys from this morning until the sun set)

    My friend Christina is an amazing writer and a lovely person, and she noticed the internet addiction we all have – the connection that really isn't…and so she took a one month internet fast and wrote about it, in real letters, written by hand or typed on a type writer and sent them by regular post, to another friend who scanned them and posted them on a blog. It's a book now too. You should check it out, I think you'd like it! http://lettersfromaluddite.blogspot.ca/

  • Beatrix Quills June 10, 2012 at 4:26 PM

    Good question – I've been reaching out to friends of late, to get a lukewarm (if any) response, and I'm sick of it.

    The answer? Be a hermit? It's just as isolating, but without all the bullshit.

  • Donna June 10, 2012 at 3:35 PM

    My hub and I can be guilty if this parallel play when engaging in words with friends but we also good naturedly (well, mostly) rib each other as we go.

    However in other areas of my life I'm very good at switching off from the online world so hopefully it's a good balancing act I'm perfecting x